Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Things Aren't Always As Bad As They Seem

I remember this story from years ago, and I often think about it as proof that things are rarely as bad as we think they are....and I use it to remind myself that my mind can be very quick to conjure the worst scenario, but if I just listen to the voice of reason (God) I will discover that everything is fine. The following may be a true story. One sunny day, in Los Angeles, two policemen responded to a call from a store employee that a woman was seen slumped over in her car. As the partners arrived in their patrol car they did indeed see a young blond woman slumped forward in her car. The officers parked and slowly walked over to the car, they tried knocking on the window and calling "Mam, mam, are you alright?" As this elicited no response they then knocked harder on the window and, fearing that she was either unconscious or worse, they called for the paramedics. As the officers waited for the paramedics to arrive they continued to knock on the window and were finally able to arouse the woman, and upon their command she opened the car door. The first thing the officers noted upon initial inspection was that the woman was holding the back of her head and weeping. The officers began to question the woman as the paramedics arrived, but she began to become hysterical and shouted "Can't you see I have been shot in the back of the head?! My brain is coming out I can feel it....Help Me!" The officers explained that they needed to find out what had happened so the paramedics could do their job properly. As the one policeman went into the grocery store to question the witnesses, the other officer began to question the woman, and in a shaky voice she told this frightening tale. "I was doing my weekly grocery shopping, minding my own business and looking through my coupons when I heard a gun shot from behind me, it seemed to come from the dairy isle I had just walked through. I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head and became dizzy. As I touched the back of my head I realized that I was bleeding and then I felt an oozing substance that was soft and when I looked at it I could see that it was my brain matter!" And with this she became hysterical again and wailed that she was dying, and to please contact her husband immediately. With this the policemen stepped aside to allow the paramedics to perform their treatment, as the woman had now passed out from shock. As the first paramedic began to inspect the woman and her wound, the other paramedic began to monitor her vital signs, which appeared quite strong for a woman who had been shot, and in the head no less, and just as he was about to report this to his partner, he heard a chuckle followed by "Smitty, you should see this." A questioning look passed between the paramedic and the police officer. As Smitty looked at the wound he too smiled and noted the very small cut on the back of the woman's head surrounded by a large amount of raw biscuit dough. It turns out, from both the witnesses account and the woman's tale that the situation unfolded like this. As the woman was grocery shopping a new pallet of "PopnFresh" biscuits was unloaded into the open dairy case. Upon being shifted from the back storage refrigerator to their final resting place in the open dairy case, they were allowed to sit out a bit too long, and one of the bad boys became warm and agitated and exploded spontaneously, making a loud noise like that of a gun shot and shooting raw biscuit dough through the air. Unfortunately, the woman was at the wrong place at the wrong time and became the victim of said biscuit can agitation. When the woman heard the pop and felt the pain, it was the dough hitting the back of her head and thus the feeling of brain ooze. She was not the victim of a random shooting, but rather the victim of spontaneous combustion and the resulting walk by doughing. Once the paramedic could calm the woman down enough to explain the situation, it became quite clear to the woman that she was indeed going to be OK and needed no stitches, but would require a shower, none the less. It is with great joy that I report that the woman was able to return to her normal activities that afternoon, and to repay her for her troubles the store graciously gave her a coupon for a free turkey, store brand and frozen of course. It was heard that the next day she went promptly to Target where she purchased a bread machine as she could no longer rely on the ready bake dough cans to play nicely.

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